I love you, but it cant stay like this forever, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the past 3 years.

Thanks and bye.

 

 

蜷川实花，年年有余。

要个好兆头呗。

 

新年快乐。

After I came to the states, I hardly ever read a book. By book I mean non-academic one, especially fictions, which had been, for years, my favorite waste of time. My reading experience usually fell into a pattern, that if the first couple of paragraphs didnt hit on me, then hardly ever would I continue. These over-elaborate sentences and densely packed meanings often ended up getting on my nerves and I knew I‘d wasted both money and time.

I was merely not interested. Nothing appears attractive enough. However, except for this one, The Spell by Alan Hollinghurst.

It was almost a year ago, I had been keen on reading (kind of resurrection of a dead hobby) before I got kicked out of college(grad :D). My bff made this recommendation and that's how it got on my list, and it had been merely on the list until last week, when I was finally bored enough thus ready for some 'light-reading'. It cost me around $3 to get it with a 2 day free shipping from Amazon. Yes, am totally in love with their free prime service for students! As soon as I kicked off reading, I felt myself under this spell. I knew nothing about this book, I did not have even the slightest idea of who the heck Mr Hollinghurst was.

But it turned out great, to start reading a fiction with no prognosis, expectation or bias. It was at around page 20 that I figured out what kind of people the author was talking about and it got the big smirk on my face as I processed through the first chap. I recalled I was about to give it up after reading 3 pages of it but gave it another chance instead, feeling glad that I didn't throw it away. I was surprised by its structure when it came to chap 2, everything was different, the story, the character. It was not until the end of Chap 2 that you'd get a bit sense of what's next.

My completely ignorance over the book and the author came to a stop when I started reading Chap 3. However, the book wasnt like what some critics and webpages said. It was neither that simple nor straightforward. But Hollinghurst wrote in a brutally honest tone, which, sometimes was like a punch in the face. And I guess that's why some dont like it.

The book tackles on how gay persons experience in love/sex/desire differs from the hetreos'. For the gays, every seirous affair is filled with BEING SERIOUS, with the illusion that the lover was definitely the MAN. Even on those can-not-be-settled's side, at the very romantic/passionate beginning, they are generally under this sweet magic spell, drowning and not feeling like withdrawing. But the romance, the perfect perception and the matchability between the couple faded away as time past by, while it takes time to form the real sprititual bond. Not that love wasnt kind of spiritual, it just wasnt enough to maintain the relationship of two men. The mutual attractiveness gets drained and became this wishful thinking of those still under the spell.

'I love you but I cant go on seeing you.' How hurtful, irresponsible and capricious, but it was true. He has this legitimate right to pursue the new and the fresh, going after a life full of risks. The break-up haunted the other one for days and days and months, until he finds another one to fill the empty, to cure the unhealed weeping wounds.

It was not easy for the addicts. Leading a life filled with sex, drugs and turmoils requires a certain payment. Once got addicted to it, you ll never fully free. The effort spent on trying to recall the previous night will finally conjures up an illusion for a promised more exquisite next time. The common life will never quench their thirst, even if it was love, they ll never stop twitching for more.

The 5 years for a gay couple could equal 20 years for hetreos, said a gay friend of mine. Only because it is so intense in each and every way. A highly condensed love is like a glass of poisoned fine wine.

I gave it 5 stars at first but the lengthy descriptions on archtechtures and environment really drove me nuts, even if I myself am a detailist...1 point off. Apart from that, the whole structure and pace were extremely brilliant written. It was so quickly growing on me.

cast

Alex, living/working like a straight, Just's ex, fell in love with Danny

Danny, party boy, Robin's son, had his only serious affair with George and admired him till now, has an affair with Alex

Robin, oldest gay within the story, Danny's father, Justin‘s boyfriend, Danny's father(some mistake you made when you were young)

Justin, Alex‘s ex, Robin's current partner, Danny's step ‘mom’...

插播插播。根据我个人的感觉，故事主角可以由以下朋友友情客串： 　　 　　

Alex － 拉长版小自由（你是要踩高跷是么，6尺3的身材欧！大概还要再美一点。。。） 　　

Danny － River Phoneix 你妹的，从一开始就浮现出的是这张脸！ 　　

Robin － Elvis Presley。。。跟River的弟弟也很像！或者胖一点的Dave Gahan估计也蛮合适的 　　

Justin - 这个倒是没有想到特别合适的，性格跟我家小b贱的时候狠像。。。也许可以把bb年轻时的那张脸借过来用下 　　 　　

Terry － 我一直觉得是skins的max那种样子＝ ＝可书里写他是黑发 　　

George － 我直接picture的就是Michael George把头发剔光留个胡子 　　

Nick － 骚瑞我代入了。。。

I was filing my diploma request just now.

And it makes me feel a bit sad, just like last year in SH. I dont know. School kicked off on Tuesday and my to-do-list soon gets filled with all kinda of stuff needed to be taken care of. I felt suffocated and overwhelmed by the reality of my normal life. I also purchased a ticket for this year's Coachella Music fest, which is probably the last straw that I could grab to stay happy. The natural conflict between consciousness and indulgence are killing me like never, like, never. 

Now I could finally, bravely admit that I am NOT happy in the US. Away from my truly holy friends, away from the group I belong to, away from what I've been used to for so many years. I, inevitably feel the absolute loneliness that I thought I could get rid of before I came to the states. It's growing on me, so deeply rooted.

I dont understand the happenings here. People seemed to be satisfied with this average life. No one asks why we're getting more and more mediocre and bored than ever. I have no clue why I couldn't find anyone else to share my opinions on what the hell is going on and what on earth the force destroying our life is. I just felt all alone. I just felt that I was abandoned and alienated. I am not desperate or unhappy. I am just being doubtful and a little bit irritated. It could be just PMS, or SAD. But who the fuck knows. God only knows.

Or maybe I'm just going through this occasional depression. From time to time, I could not stop questioing and being skeptical. Why should I be like this, all wretched and broken, rootless and deep in fear.

Friends, how deeply I've been missing your guys.

I just miss your companions. Every each of you, period.

折腾了大半夜, 早上起床才8分钟, 准时的匈牙利人就来敲门了...当然了, 虽然累得半死, 人还晕乎着, 还是爬起来跟丫去车站了. 匈牙利人还贴心地买来了水果share.

去的路上人还是一直不太舒服, 一直稀里糊涂地想睡, 当时想着还是不要下水了(因为累得要死, 我是抱着必定要淹死的心情去的). snokerling的目的地叫做akumal, 位处Tulum海滩和Playa Del Carmen之间, 山清水秀的Lagoon一枚, 直通墨西哥湾的活咸水湖, 生活着数群五颜六色的热带鱼(号称还有海龟), 可供游人snorkerling之用. 从playa乘坐combi到akumal附近的高架桥下车, 再走一段路打个车, 很快就能到一个类似度假园兮兮的地方, 事实上就是lagoon保护区的入口. 租好设备(脚蹼 + 救生衣 + 潜水镜 = 15刀), 在湖边的树丛里偷偷摸摸地换好泳装(本来打算用换衣间的结果大叔说在角落里换就成, 没人看的...), 吃点木瓜和蜜瓜果腹, 即刻准备下水. 大叔很负责任地教了我们如何清洁目镜, 以及如何浅潜. 然而下水这一过程却比想象得困难百倍, 请想象一个大学四年都几乎没有沾过水的旱鸭子对水的恐惧...没错, 这就是我= =

这货是胸毛大叔

潜水的lagoon

在下水区抱着桩子扑腾了半天, 还是把心一横浸到了水里....咬紧吸管探入水中, 瞬间被眼前的景象震撼, 五彩斑斓的鱼群在身边荡漾的感觉确实比看电视镜头来的过瘾...恩, 估计会游泳的人都觉得挺傻逼的, 但是对我而言绝非易事...即使有救生衣, 依然很难在水中移动自如, 加之呼吸管有些漏水, 我不得狗刨了好一阵才找到节奏...渐渐地竟然游出了些许韵律, 便得意忘形地忘记了自己就是一穿救生衣的货(事实证明在逆流的情况下, 浸满了水的救生衣实质上挺累赘的) . 沁凉的海水似乎深入了混沌的头脑, 于是我也逐渐从想睡的情绪中解脱出来...晚上high大了第二天还跑去潜水...大概只有我这种脑子坏掉的人才做的出来...

鱼什么的

中间还用木瓜调戏了一只小蜥蜴 :D

我们本来的目的是来看海龟, 大叔也是用这个理由骗我们同行...结果海龟毛都没看到...问了别人才知道要看海龟得去30分钟开外的Moon Bay. 于是匈牙利人提议步行前往海滩, 欣然允诺.

去Moon Bay的路上, 匈牙利人带我们去看了附近的一处浅滩. 原是火山岩的海床随着地壳作用浮出了海面, 裸露的岩石上遍布各种珊瑚石和干涸的植物, 形制各异的岩石罅隙与窟窿浅浅地盛着一些海水, 变成了海螺及各种软体动物的乐园, 除了长得像大脑一样的珊瑚外, 还看到了名为海蟑螂的奇怪动物, 整个长在白珊瑚岩里, 同海床融为一体...看着很像是在自然历史博物馆里见过的什么三叶虫...反正恶心死了, 匈牙利人还offer说要不要撬一个下来看看, 我自是直接拒绝...虫子什么的最恶心了.

大脑...一排

珊瑚植物软体动物什么的...

穿着拖鞋和帆布鞋的我们行走在月球表面般荒凉的浅滩上, 坑坑洼洼的地面加之负重行走(匈牙利人offer了他的脚蹼给我们挡太阳结果事实上那个东西重的要死...), 再算上头顶的烈日当空, 实在是相似的心都有了, 以至于都没有心情好好欣赏.

顺带一提, 聪明的当地人常常用那些死去的珊瑚作为装饰建材...于是经常可以见到柱子啊, 地上什么的镶嵌着一排一排的...大脑. 囧

抵达Moon Bay的时候我和旅伴都已经饿过头了, 加之前天晚上吃得太贵, 午饭就去了附近的小摊随意解决. 吃的是一种叫做Empanada的东西, 基本上就是玉米饼裹着什么乱七八糟的东西...(墨西哥就是玉米饼玉米饼玉米饼...) 还喝了当地的什麽啤酒, 反正都没有craft beer好喝...

午饭...

饭毕, 匈牙利人领着我们找到一处棕榈树荫, 当作乘凉午睡的栖息宝地. 然而这个午觉一睡就是一下午...匈牙利人的海龟, 到头来也没有看成, 反倒是在碧海蓝天晴空万里下谈起什麽人生哲学来了. 信仰这种鬼话题也不知从哪里冒出了头来...回想起来着实冷汗一把. 接近傍晚的时候起了拍照的念头, 便掂着相机下了水去. Moon Bay的海水极度清澈, 湛蓝程度极胜Playa Del Carmen, 拍了些落日的照片就算完事. 顺便还去附近的甜品屋买了椰子雪糕当下午茶, 妙哉.

落日

回市区时在combi上被挤了个半死. 匈牙利人挤在我旁边还offer说如果想看海龟明日可以再来...本来还以为他已经被我们两个弱的要死的烦死了, 原来还没烦够么囧. 可惜我也只能拒绝, 第二天晚上要坐夜巴士去palenque的我们基本上是经不起折腾的, 没辙啊.

恩, 忘说了, 匈牙利人和美国包工头大叔似乎一直在暗暗较劲. 昨天大叔还说要来moon bay找我们玩(绝对不能让匈牙利人独占了这俩亚洲妞), 结果中午的时候匈牙利人还问了好几遍说有没看到包工头的身影...当然是没有啦.

晚饭前夕在旅店遭遇了色情狂大叔, 丫很精神地邀请我们第二天去海边玩耍, 遭拒...晚饭吃了相当美味的sopa de mariscos, 介于小摊和小店之间的露天饭馆就开在离旅店不远的街角, 经营小店的是一对老夫妻, 妻子端茶送水, 丈夫则在里间执掌烹饪. 他家的salsa绝对是墨西哥一行吃过最辣的一家, 辣到我和旅伴简直是无语凝噎, 双双买了冰冻饮料往嘴里猛灌, 莫非是为了多卖饮料才出此狠招不成? 海鲜汤分量极大, 在一位热心老伯的翻译帮助下告知老板娘我们两人合点一份就好. 上桌的时候还是觉得很多, 但我的汤里有半只螃蟹, 旅伴的汤里则没有...我还多挑了几只虾过去以示公平...结果大妈见两人只有半只螃蟹, 就大方地又给了半只...真是太慷慨了. 邻座的英语不会大姐也一直很照顾我们, 给salsa酱递餐巾纸的, 罕见的亚洲女青年果然是深得人心的.

晚上唯一值得记录的, 是我的电脑再次不幸阵亡...白色屏幕上闪烁的问号只说明一点...我又需要重装了...上次重装以后的东西还没来得及备份...好在重要的学业方面的文档都有网上备份...只可惜某些私人珍藏的照片和placebo的归档, 又消失不见了...sigh.

于是接下来的旅程, 我只有悲惨地依靠手机过日子了...

Day 1 @ Cancun 踏着大雪从雪城出发，早早赶到RTC，距离发车时间还有2个小时之久。问过售票处才知道换至提早的一班车药多加10刀，遂作罢。

12点左右，一位头发花白的司机大爷跑到旅客候车大厅来问谁要上去纽约的车. 伺机抓住他问1点多的票是否可以提早上车,得到肯定答案． 早些时候在候车大厅里碰到一个正在给男朋友也不知道是相公的男人打电话的黑姑娘，很窘地问我说如何用中文说＂我爱你＂，遂告之．遂对电话重复之，仔细想想这也挺泥马浪漫的，以后有了男人也要如法炮制．其实也有想打电话对什么人说西语来着的，但这样的想法总是让我感到不安全．

上车后还遇到两个好看男青年坐在后排．一度认为两只都是gay, 后来仔细听了听对话发现完全不是... 4个多小时的车程里, 我始终没有睡着. 抵达port authority时发现车站里所有的商店都歇业了, 甚至连暖空调都没打组.两个又冷又饿的女青年无奈之下准备去m记买点食物取暖什么的, 出门走了几步, 发现纽约城半夜的寒风刺骨着实难以忍受. 只能瑟瑟地托着行李原路返回,随意上了辆出租扬长而去.

结果到la guardia 也只有6点多, 航班的起飞时间, 是10点51...在Au Bon Pain里买了三明治和柠檬水, 睡到8点去check-in, 这一check-in才见识到美国机场的办事效率, 长长的两条人龙蜿蜒盘旋地绕满了半个机场, 而行进速度亦是令人头皮发麻地慢. 美国机场安检规定要将鞋子和外套脱下, 使得本就狭窄的通道变得异常拥堵, 而对于那些登机行李多或者穿得太多的旅客而言更是另一种折磨, 我一个人就占了三个小盒子, 还不算包包... 好容易过掉安检,找到登机口,坐下,才发觉这个史上最漫长的长龙队, 已经花去我们一个多小时...实在是record-setting啊!

登机时间晚就不说了, spirit airline的晚点简直是在预料之内的事情, 搞笑的是我在飞机上睡了一觉醒来居然还没起飞, 机长还广播安抚民心说, 正在等起飞指令, 应该10分钟内就能搞定, 但是因为我们的一些乘客还在上厕所, 我们很可能错失起飞的空位, 所以,在上厕所的乘客, 赶紧的,用跑的回座位...我差点没笑喷出来. 好在安然无恙的抵达miami 机场, 出舱门一路狂奔至另一登机口, 耳边回荡着last boarding call...然而我当然很清楚他们必然要等这班机的乘客, 太多太多人选了这班中转飞往cancun.

上飞机后发现前排三个不太像墨西哥人的男青年欢快地讲着西班牙语, 本着旅游搭讪精神的我欢乐地开始跟人家聊天, 原来是去Puebla交流的西班牙人...究竟是什么样的人才会选去墨西哥交流啊...还是学机械工程的= = 其中一个长得巨帅无比. 当然了我的目的还是找人帮忙(西语不会不会不会), 但是很不幸地发现人家是去playa del carmen而非cancun. TAT

下飞机后还算顺利, 赶紧把套鞋换成夹脚拖鞋, 顺利在西班牙男青年们的帮助下找到了大巴, 还和帅帅的男青年吻别(吻脸而已). 大巴到市区下车以后才觉得人生一下子被颠覆了...全部都以为我是外星人! 混蛋我才是地球人! 很不幸的是, 夹脚拖鞋居然在车站当场坏掉...只好翻出帆布鞋来穿. 被出租车司机摆了一道, 收了我们50 pesos才到的住店.

旅店庭院看起来相当nice, 但private room居然是要走上一个小小的跟我家一模一样的螺旋楼梯, 搬着箱子在楼梯上转啊转的感觉可真是要命. 房间样子还行, 唯一的缺点是没有热水... 店员daniel是个貌美的墨西哥男青年, 从北部省份来cancun工作已有四年, 相谈甚欢之间绝无料想这斯之后会摆我们一道...到陌生的地方旅游就是被骗啊! 说到被砍, 基本就是集中在前两天...daniel同学offer了陪我们去银行换钱, 还自愿陪我们去找吃饭的地方...本来想着这hostel还真是贴心, 后来才发现他们跟饭店之间有commission, 一顿饭害得我们吃掉370 pesos, 还基本上觉得什么都没吃... 一个shrimp cocktail, 一个quesadillas, 一个tacos还有两瓶水...吃完饭我已经气得完全讲不出话来了, 连找酒喝的心情也荡然无存...回府途中还找了个便利店感受了一下cancun的高物价, 简直是赶超英美.

回旅店后巧遇了一个即将结束旅行回国的挪威男青年Christian, 人还蛮欢乐的. 在他的建议下对Cancun基本上完全绝望了, 准备转战Playa Del Carmen. 于是跟Daniel讲好把第二天的房钱退给我们, 成交条件是我在Hostel Bookers上给他们好评...真是太会做生意了, 当时我就是看了Hostel bookers上的好评才选的这家Hostel, 没想到还真是坑爹 - - 开始怀疑有多少人是被逼着给出好评的...麻痹的我还真不愿意当托把人骗来这小破店, 可是, 为了我的315pesos, 忍了.

顺便爆名字: El Escondido

Day 2, Cancun >> Playa Del Carmen 早晨起床吃早餐, waffle一如网上所评, 名不虚传的好吃. 早晨hostel庭院也美得格外宜人, 但我心已不愿久留, 听闻Playa的各种好, 一心只想着早早离开这个过度商业化的美国后花园. 同挪威人和Daniel告别, 乘着小巴一路直赴Playa. (p.s. 后来才知道playa在西语里就是beach的意思lol)

第二家hostel 一样令人失望, 在一楼的房间犹如出租房般潮湿, 厕所还没有灯(在想晚上该肿摸洗澡和上洗手间), 好在离海滩仅仅2个block, 大概也算是唯一的好处了吧. 稍事休息便翻出泳装, 短裤和外套, 直奔碧浪白沙而去!!!

playa del carmen果然如同传闻中一样, 并未令人失望, 在海中嬉戏片刻返回岸上, 懒洋洋地晒了两个多小时太阳, 顿觉一切疲劳全消, 先前为期末考试挑灯夜战, 每天在学校疯狂自习的那几个星期似乎都不过已是过眼云烟. 旅伴提议说去逛5th ave (真的叫这个名字...) 再度经历小美国般的极致商业化, 把我们俩的胃口完全磨光了.在麦当劳吃了个冰淇淋折人民币都要4块多...

饭后回旅店休息, 在二楼露台认识了一堆乱七八糟的人, 包括美加州包工头自恋话痨色情狂大叔, 匈牙利前酒店高管闷******中年, 好玩的是这两个人都有匈牙利血统, 不过后面那个比较纯正就是了. 从谈话中还得知说匈牙利人喝酒特别牛比什麽的...两个大叔还请喝了啤酒. 匈牙利男还邀请我们第二天跟他去snorkeling. 后来出现了一个在playa待了很久的美加州女青年, 号称自己西语比英文更流利...还有几个奇怪的澳洲人, 对澳洲口音一向喜爱有加的我瞬间跟人家混熟了. (有趣的是之前色情狂大叔还问我是不是aussie一刚) 后来发生的事情一件雷过一件...在这里就不详述了, 反正折腾到精疲力竭.

 

 

Little Electronica/Indie. very ear-friendly, a good comfort. I listened this album for so many times w/o even noticed who i was listening until one day I realized how good they are.

 

 

This album, in terms of music, is supposed to be higher than this. Unfortunately I saw them live and it was disappointing, but less disappointing than Crystal Castles...

 

 

I never liked Club 8 until they released their 2008 album. This is even better, all bouncy and jovial. seen live too, LAME.

 

 

The only reason for this to be presented here, is that I failed to find 20 albums. But the bonus CD was good, good enough to be mentioned as bonus of the year. XD

 

 

A much soothing version of Sonic Youth. Loved it. Pity that I didn't make to their live.

 

 

Nice. Very nice. Hustle is definitely in my TOP 10 songs of the year. However the album was released too early this year, otherwise it ll end up ranking higher.

 

 

a Pro version of previous album Junior...yeah, hopefully I could see them in Toronto.

 

 

A so-so album. basically it was because they were too good in the past.

 

 

Side project of David Andrew Sitek from TV on the Radio. That's the promise. It sounds to me even better than Dear Silence. And it's darky heavy electronica.

 

 

It was so good. I first heared this when I was staying at a friend's couch in Hong Kong. Beautiful sound.

 

 

One of my fav debuts of the year. orginally from NYC. They are having a small gig on Thursday at Webster Hall. Cant make it but definitely look forward to future moves. very nice retro + post punk.

 

 

I am deeply fond of his work. Thrilling. Fresh. Immaginative. Tight.

 

 

They are probably gonna be the best new act of the year for many critics and fans. Me not included tho.

 

 

Gelivable.

 

 

My fav debut of the year. Manchester electro trio. even younger than me but surprisingly talented.

 

 

Probably my fav God is an Astronaut. My fav post rock band.

 

 

Only realized how great this album is recently. Sorrow is definitely addctive but instead of aggravates the pain, it cures, dramatically, like a catharsis.

 

 

This album has every legitimate reason to be the TOP of the year...however...it's been a while since it's released...so...

 

 

I have been waiting for years. My second fav Chinese band. You just can't refuse to love them.

 

 

And I'm easy to satisfied. :D

如題。

學學Accounting Marketing Content Management System，愈發覺得自己離當初的夢想漸行漸遠。想當年剛入大學的自己是多麼地不屑這些狗屎的商科。

但是人是會變的。日後的想法變得愈發現實，不希望每天都眼關人世的痛苦，不希望每天掙扎於他人的水深火熱，心急如焚確手無縛雞之力。那時候大約是享樂主義的縧蟲上腦，盡想著怎樣才能逃避現實，簡單謀生。

再後來，連最後一點點堅持都不復存在。

於是現在只想找個工作賺點穩定的小錢，年輕的時候能負擔吃喝玩樂，年紀大點買的起奶粉錢就好了。

我真的就是這麼想的。